It’s hard to deal with people who waste time.
It’s hard to deal with people who take forever to get started.
And I can’t stand it when I have to depend on them.
We all know someone who’s just not that excited to start the day. They wake up late, spend another 20 minutes lying in bed, check their email, prepare their breakfast, eat their breakfast, get dressed… and three hours have already gone by before they’re out of the door.
Such people start their day at noon or 1:00 p.m.
What a waste of a day.
It’s even worse when you have to wait for them or need a favor from them or you need them to fulfill their obligation and carry through on their promises.
But you have to decide for how much longer you’re going to tolerate that behavior.
1. Recalculate Convenience
We all have such people in our lives because it’s convenient to have them.
But I think we ought to clarify to ourselves just how convenient is it to form and keep relationships with such people.
Begin by examining the relationship between the effort you invest and the results you get in return — in the same way you would do a cost-benefit analysis.
Consider these questions:
- Do you have to exert a lot of energy to ensure the other person is going to do his or her job? (This includes reminding them often, calling them to make sure they’re on time, worrying that they won’t make it.)
- Do they get the job done or do you have to clean up after them?
- How often have they disappointed you in the past?
- Are you dealing with a completely careless person or is the person trying hard but coming up short?
- Do you notice any improvements? How long did it last?
I don’t think you should give a person a long time before you can determine whether or not they’re worth your investment. I mean you sure can give another person control over your life…but that would be unwise; to put it nicely.
Recognize that you have to make a decision and make it.
Consider using a cut-off point approach.
The cut-off point that works for most people is that of measuring consistency. I don’t think it’s worth it to invest in inconsistent relationships. That’s exactly what makes such people annoying: they’re inconsistent!
When you look at a relationships in terms of consistency, you’ll quickly realize if it’s worth it. Some people will blame all kinds of external reasons for why they’re inconsistent: working night shifts, they forgot they had to attend a last minute meeting, forgot they promised they will hang out with you, they had unexpected visitors, their car broke down…I mean things always happen to inconsistent people.
Accept that that’s what their life is like and move on. That’s it. Just move on.
2. People Who Come Up Short
I think the worst situation to be in is that of a person trying hard but coming short most of the time.
I don’t have much sympathy for these kinds of cases anymore.
Such people may need a lot of help to change their ways. And I don’t think you should do all of this work. You can direct them to the institutions that can help them in that regard, but you don’t carry the obligation of changing them.
In these cases, I think the wrong falls on you. You’re expecting of them to do what’s beyond their capabilities. You may have formed a false impression of what they can do, and that happens. It’s okay. But now you have to change your expectations and only ask of them to do what they’re capable of.
Sometimes you have to think of relationships in the same way large companies think of their employees. I know it sounds harsh, but perhaps this will give you another perspective to entertain and possibly help you see the situation from a new light.
Companies evaluate their employees in terms of their performance. They won’t let an employee damage the mission, profit, or values of the company. That person might be doing everything he could do, but if the employee is coming up short, then the company is not a good fit for that person. That person might be better served at another company or that person needs to work on his/her skills and come back to the market when they’re better fit.
Whether we want to admit it or not, we do measure our relationships in terms performance. Right? So think about your relationships from that standpoint.
Are the relationships you’re in a good fit for you? If not, then stop complaining and recognize you need to look for professional, personal, and love relationships that are better fit.
3. Do You Share Similar Values?
Another way to determine if the relationships you’re in are a good fit for you is to look at them in terms of their growth potential.
Are the people that you share your life have the same values in terms of where they aspire to be five or ten years from now. They don’t have to be at the same exact level as you. They might be ahead of you or they might be a little behind.
What’s important is: do they have the same growth trajectory as you do? Do they aspire to do something meaningful with their life? Or are they happy with watching TV? Do they live to travel? Do they live to create things? Are they improving?
The answer to these questions will reveal a lot to you about the people you spend time with. You have to recognize that at one point such people were a perfect match for you whether as friends, partners, and even work colleagues. But not everyone is serious about continued growth.
Be curious about these things. Don’t just look at what’s convenient for now. A lot of things are convenient for now. But if you invest in these relationships, you’re going to have a hard time down the road fixing and possibly failing at fixing such things.