Breakups are hard. They’re very hard.

And they tend to affect us emotionally, psychologically and physiologically. In fact, research shows that the emotional response to a breakup is similar to the complicated grief we experience following more traumatic losses, such as death and being told you’re terminally ill.

Moreover, your eating and sleeping habits change and their physical effects become overly visible; such as gaining or losing an excessive amount of weight. Your appearance may further change as a result of taking less care of yourself such as poor personal hygiene and cleanliness.

On the psychologically front, you begin to interpret the world negatively and lose interest in things you used to take joy in doing.

Additionally, men and women report experiencing regret following a breakup, and they start wondering whether they had done the right thing. Some of the most commonly recurring thoughts include:

• Did I really make a bad decision by choosing to leave?
• Did my ex leave me because I wasn’t good enough?
• Could I have acted differently?
• What if I could have just one more chance to prove that I can fix it all?
• What if he or she is already dating someone else?

What’s even more troubling are the periods where you experience flashes of your partner having acted kindly, lovingly and with forgiveness toward you. These thoughts make it especially hard to move on because we truly appreciate the goodness in people and that makes us feel as though we have failed. What’s strange, however, is that we feel like we’ve failed even when the relationship wasn’t right for us, even if the relationship didn’t help us grow, and even if the relationship got between us and our goals.

1. Effects of Breakups on the Brain

There are things you can do to help you move on regardless of how difficult your breakup was. And to do so we first need to get an inside look into the workings of our brain and why we experience periods of intense feelings and despair following a breakup. Recent research has been able to study our brain under such conditions using (fMRI) scans. In fact, when presented with a photograph of an ex we still love, the reward and motivation parts of the subjects’ brains tended to light up. Researchers also noticed that the subjects’ brains tended to release the pleasure hormone; dopamine, when presented with a photograph of an ex versus a photograph of a friend or stranger. More striking, however, is that the very areas that got activated in response to the stimulus were also seen in the brains of drug addicts.

Based on this research, what I would like for you to recognize is that, like a drug addict, your brain is going to produce intense feelings of cravings despite what you intellectually believe about the benefits of withdrawing (from the relationship). This explains the obvious mental, physical and emotional changes that you see in yourself as well the intense desire you feel to contact your ex.

On a positive note, however, there is research that shows that breakup can improve your overall sense of being. It can also enable you to experience positive emotions, particularly if your relationship didn’t allow you to experience the full expression and development of yourself. So let’s focus on how to bring that about and how to speed up the process of recovery so you can finally move on.

2. You’re Not Your Old Story

A single breakup is pretty painful. But what if you were dealing with two? Most people are dealing not only with the breakup as a fact of the matter, but they’re also dealing with their story of the breakup.

The first refers to the actual events that transpired leading up to ending the relationship. And it’s an undeniably painful part of the transition. But it’s the latter that perpetuates the pain. It’s the story of the breakup that you keep telling yourself. Now, you might not be consciously choosing to tell yourself that story. You might find that these thoughts show up on their own. However, if you’re tagging along for the ride, then you’re giving these thoughts the mental and emotional space to impact how you act and feel, and every time you do so, you’re responsible for letting these thoughts take you out of living your life in the present moment.

Consider how most people behave when their mind is flooded with the story of their breakup. They become unusually calm, reflective and serious. In fact, very serious. They look as though they’re calculating and re-calculating things in their head, trying to understand both; themselves and what had happened. They’re all looking for an intellectual escape. They believe they need to wage an intellectual war on these thoughts until they defeat them and remove them from their system. But if you’ve tried going for the intellectual battle, then despite the initial success you might have experienced, you later come to find yourself dealing with stronger and louder thoughts.

There are two things you can do to change the story and get out of your mind:

1. Let go of trying to win the intellectual battle.
2. Accept the breakup as is.

For the second step, I recommend that you use a particular technique that has been shown to help people counter negative thoughts and diffuse them. Notice here that you want to diffuse and neutralize your thoughts, and not to beat them out of your mind. Let’s call it the “if I am honest with myself” formula. Here’s an example of how it works:

“If I am honest with myself, I know that moving on is hard, and I know that my brain keeps experiencing cravings for my ex, and while I would like to be over my ex sooner than later, I also understand that this isn’t possible just yet. But doing certain things (see below) can speed up the process and if I take responsible action, I will be able to make the necessary transition and live my life.”

I am sharing this with you because I strongly believe in the power of this formula. I believe it’s the only way to take control of your thoughts without taking control of them and arousing resistance. Use it every time these thoughts decide to make a surprise visit. It will quiet your mind.

3. Take FUN Action

You have to stop being so serious all the time.

Give yourself a break and get out into the world. I recommend that you go out with funny and goofy people. You need to laugh. You need to joke around and make fun of yourself.

You also need to get “out of your head.” You need to speak more. Begin by noticing people around you, compliment them, flirt with them, joke around with them. Say something nice to them. When was the last time you said something nice to your friends, co-workers, or even family members? People will appreciate these things. Just have some fun.

If you’re going to buy coffee, then instead of just ordering your regular coffee, use this opportunity to speak more. Ask them about their new decaf soy latte with an extra shot and one pump of sugar-free vanilla syrup. They’ll gladly explain this coffee drink to you. That’s why they’re there. Also instead of just saying “thank you,” say something new, you can say “thank you for making this,” or “that looks delicious, thank you.” Become engaged with life and speak more. Stop living inside your head. You will only drive yourself crazy. Helen Keller once said:

“life is too short and unpredictable, so eat the dessert first.”

4. Healing Effects of Writing

We sometimes tend to tie in our sense of self-worth with the break up, and we do so for understandable reasons. A breakup can make us feel as though we’ve lost an integral part of our social identity. And it demands of us to face the reality of having to redefine ourselves. But don’t let that feel like a negative. For many people, it’s a blessing in disguise.

Studies have shown that purposely focusing on positive post-break up outcome and writing about them can speed up the healing process and help you get clear on your values and what matters most to you in your life. You might also benefit from writing about how the relationship negatively affected you or how it got in the way of achieving your personal, financial, and spiritual goals. Doing so and later reading these thoughts when you experience those cravings will remind you, when you most desperately need that reminder, that you’ve made the right decision. Don’t feel bad about adding more negative stuff. Keep in mind, however, the goal is to move on and not dwell on the past.

5. Healing Effects of an Active Lifestyle

Given that your mind experiences breakup like an addict experiences withdrawal, you need to work on restoring your hormonal balance. The best and most effective natural way to do so is to exercise. Physical activity triggers the release of endorphins and that leads to feelings of well-being, euphoria and an overall sense of contentment.

So call a buddy and go to the gym together or join a group exercise class. The camaraderie of such activities will give you the emotional comfort as well as the benefits of exercising. Moreover, if you want to hit the weights then feel free to do so. Research shows that both aerobic activity (like running) and anaerobic activity (like lifting weights) have a positive impact on your emotional health. What are you waiting for?

You might also want to consider getting massages. Research have also demonstrated that massage therapy can stimulate endorphin secretion as well boost your mood. I recommend hot stones massage. Experiment with different techniques and see what you like.

Another thing you can do is go to a chiropractor. If you’ve been spending a lot of time by yourself as a result of your breakup sitting at home or in front of your computer, then you’re probably not aware of how bad your posture might be. And if you haven’t exercised much lately, then you might also be experiencing physical rigidity and low joint mobility, so consider going to chiropractor to help you fix these issues and take care what’s blocking the natural flow of your energy. Plus it will make you feel better 🙂