The road to success is filled with obstacles and roadblocks, and before you succeed you’re going to fail; not once, but many, many times. It’s an inevitable part of the process. And what determines whether you will get up and keep trying instead of letting go and surrendering is your ability to deal with failure emotionally.

One of the hallmarks of success is having high self-efficacy. In my article on self-efficacy, I discussed the importance of having an unrelenting drive to realize the compelling vision that you’ve created of yourself. I described self-efficacy as being part and parcel of the push-through factor — It’s the lynchpin that propels you to fight, resist, and overcome the impulses that prevent you from following through. In this sense, self-efficacy is the exercise of your will-power to its highest and maximum capacity.

However, pushing and exerting yourself all the time can drain you. It’s frustrating when you’re pushing really hard and you don’t see the progress you want. Continuing on that path will eventually cause you to burnout.

So you need an alternative approach. You need to practice self-compassion.

1. Getting Unstuck

I learned a lesson in self-compassion in the most unlikely of places.

Last winter, I was stuck in my driveway. My car was sitting on a mixture of ice and snow and I desperately wanted to get out, but nothing seemed to work.

I dug away excessive snow, but without any luck. I played with the steering wheel as I pressed the gas pedal and that didn’t work either, and with every minute that passed by I felt more and more doomed.

But I kept pressing on the gas pedal harder and harder — my engine roaring, my frustration quickly turning into anger, the tires spinning in place and I was sinking deeper and deeper into the snow.

And then I heard a voice behind me saying,

“Ease your foot on the gas pedal, young man”.

I instinctively followed the old man’s advice and took my foot off the gas pedal. I placed it again gently and tried one more time… and the car began to magically make its way out.

…I was stunned.

What happened? Was it really that easy?

It was that easy, but I didn’t know any better.

And I started wondering, where else in my life am I pushing really, really hard.

This incident helped me recognize that sometimes we don’t have to be really hard on ourselves to make progress or see the change we desire. Sometimes, we have to be gentle, loving and accepting of ourselves.

Let’s explore what self-compassion means and what you can do to get unstuck.

2. What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is about mindfully accepting your flaws, inadequacies, and shortcomings and being okay with it. When you are okay with not hitting the mark each and every time, you will develop a growth mindset. And that will allow you to pay more attention to how you can improve the next time around. In fact, when you remove self-criticism and replace it with self-compassion, you will give yourself permission to make a renewed effort and try again. Trying and failing is the key to hitting the mark.

How strange would it be if you picked up a bow and arrow for the first time and you were able to consistently hit the bull’s eye each and every time? It would be ridiculous. So why do you get angry with yourself when your first business doesn’t work out? Why aren’t you allowing yourself to make mistakes and learn from them? When was the last time that you laughed at yourself for saying something stupid? Are you ever going to accept that it’s okay to be imperfect?

Stop beating yourself up and recognize that you should encourage yourself to make mistakes, not to avoid them. And just as you can forgive others and love them when they make mistakes, you can also forgive yourself and love yourself. You can be great too, but it takes time.

However, don’t confuse self-compassion with self-pity.

When you’re compassionate with yourself, you’re not feeling sorry for yourself. You’re not throwing everything against the wall and crying over mistakes and missed opportunities. You’re not resigning yourself to defeat and somehow agreeing that this is the end for you. Self-pity is a passive helpless way of believing that things will never change for you; that you’re scarred by your failure forever.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, is about being kind to yourself. It’s an active understanding that you have a second, a third and a fourth chance to dust yourself up and to try one more time as a wiser, smarter, and more mature person.

Again, be kind to yourself. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s up to you to look and see it.

3. Self-Compassion Exercises

Kristin Neff has shared wonderful and effective strategies to help you build your self-compassion muscle. Here are two exercises that I personally find very effective:

1. Deal with yourself as though you were dealing with a friend

Kristin believes that we are more able to be compassionate with others than we are able to be compassionate with ourselves. And in order to increase our self-compassion, she suggests that we deal with our feelings, mistakes, and flaws as though they were those of a dear friend.

You can being this exercise by calling to mind the experience that bothers you. But imagine as though it was your best friend’s and he or she is really struggling with it. What advice would you give her? How would you feel toward her? Try to focus on the thoughts that went in your mind and the empathy you felt in your body toward your friend. Now recall these thoughts and feelings and transition that empathy toward yourself.

2. Write a letter to yourself

Kristin recommends that you write a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend.

Begin by noting an area about your life that you don’t like; an area that keeps pulling you down whenever you think about it. It can be a flaw in your character, an issue in your personality, or in your performance.

Now imagine you have an unconditionally loving imaginary friend that knows your strengths and weaknesses, knows your personal history, and understands your imperfections. Also imagine that your friend is particularly kind, loving, empathetic, and compassionate.

What would that friend say about the inadequacies you feel about yourself? How would your friend speak to you and comfort you when you express these feelings? What advice would that person give you? Write that letter from the perspective of that friend and let it sit for a week or two.

When the time has passed, pick it up. Open it and read it.

It will change you.